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They say to write what you know. Today what I know is painful, and I don't so much want to talk about it. When I don't want to talk, those of you who know me know that I probably NEED to talk. Sigh.
The Music Man and I have one real fight, and we've had it for several years. I tend to think that I'm right, (and Biblically I am, make no mistake) and he may or may not care, I'm not really sure. He says he cares, but when the situation is painful to me and he never makes any attempt to change it, well, I'm not buying what he's selling. Even though I'm right, I know that doesn't really touch the heart of the matter. If the heart of it is loving and honoring, I'm w-a-y outside of that dynamic.
But this is pernicious pain, insidious, leaking out of me. It's pain that makes me want to rely on things that are outside of God and "lean into my own understanding". Proverbs says that fools despise wisdom, that is, the right and wrong God explicitly gives us through the logos word, but what I'm dealing with right now is the rhema word, the whisper of the Holy Spirit to my ragged and wounded heart.
I just want to run it out, to hit the pavement so hard that I exhaust it out of my bones. I think it's now inscribed on my marrow, replicating into every cell of my body. It's one of those hurts that even the extensive work of forgiveness and reconciliation hasn't yet stamped out. I don't know if that's because I haven't worked hard enough, or if I haven't released it fully, or if it just hasn't been enough time. I always want something done with NOW, so two and a half years seems like an insufferable amount of time. I'm so restless, can't just sit still and be with the feelings, with the Lord.
I'm not sure to it'll get fixed right now, so I'm just trusting Romans 8:28.
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I think every marriage has one or two key issues that come up repeatedly, in one form or another. I've been married for 13 years and have struggled with one particularly hurtful issue on and off during that time. Sometimes, Heather, I've found that I have to let the pain run its course -- go through all the phases -- because in many ways dealing with pain (the kind you're talking about) is almost like a grieving process. You work through the anger and the denial, etc., until you get to a point of acceptance. When I reach that point, I always come to the realization that the only person I can change or work on is me. So God and I get down to work. And often, in the midst of working on me, God uses the situation to minister to my husband -- without me having to say a word.
I don't know what you're struggling with, and I really hope what I wrote doesn't sound trite. I've been where you are -- and it totally stinks. I understand your burning desire for resolution NOW. I'm programmed the same way. Just be encouraged, hang in there and lean on God.
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