Monday, June 23, 2008

Rude Awakening

This morning I had the worst dream I've ever had. Ever. I lost my entire family (MM and the three kids) in a car accident when I wasn't with them, and had to be told, then tell my mother-in-law. It was horrifying, I just wept when I woke up. Then kept weeping while MM tried to hold on to me. I know, without a doubt, that this dream was God speaking to my current spiritual state.

Without going into all the gory details, I've been one of those dreaded lukewarm Christians for a long time. Mind you, I've only BEEN a Christian for three years. I can sometimes "catch the wave", so to speak, but mostly I'm in the ebb rather than the flow of joy, of love, of devotion, of all that stuff.

Again, without uncovering the situation, something happened when I was newly pregnant with the CCM that robbed me of trust and security in my home life. I've forgiven, tried to get over it, etc, but I've never gotten back to the place of rejoicing in the Lord. I thought that after lots of pastoral counseling I was mostly over it and indeed still think that I am, though that may just be wishful thinking.

Yesterday my pastor preached a sermon about how even those people who have experienced past victory in Christ could now be lukewarm. It was one of those messages where everyone squirms. He challenged us to think about what our "cardboard testimony" would be if we were to hold a sign up in the "from" and "to" sides. For example, mind might say something like, "Aborted my first baby" to "Mother of three hoping for more". Many people carried their signs in such VICTORY, and it was amazing to see what things people have triumphed over.

At the alter call, did I go? Did I make my own confession of what He has done in my life, and where I still struggle? I'm sure you know that I didn't. So I guess my wake-up call came in the form of the most terrible dream of my life, the most horrifying thing I could ever imagine happening.

All I know right now is that I'll hold my babies close upon rising, but that I need to learn to hold my Jesus closest of all, and I just don't know how to do that.

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