I'm Still Here

Things are interesting right now. I'm in the home stretch in Elijah House (last day is 1/31). God is working in some crazy ways, including having me minister to someone on Sunday who I had never laid eyes on before. This wouldn't be terribly interesting, except He told me that she had had an abortion, too. I asked a friend for confirmation before approaching her, but I was nervous. When Kate said, "Go forth, obedient one", I knew I had to do it. I told her that she was forgiven and that God wants her to walk in that forgiveness. Asked her if she had children. She shook her head no. Then I said, "Can I ask you a personal question? Did you have an abortion?". She looked me in the eye and nodded. I went on to tell her that the Lord sees her repentance and wants to bless her with more children, that she's not disqualified because of it. She hugged me tight and we worshipped together until "Sanctuary" was over. It was so surreal, the whole thing.

Yesterday, a boy I dated (if you call it that) briefly in high school passed away. He'd had a heart attack, at 30. Thankfully, he didn't have a wife or children, but he's one of eleven children in his family. Thirty years old. Sigh.

Also, I'm not with BzzAgent anymore. They didn't renew my contract, and I'm really, really thankful. I can't believe how much there still is to do without the stress and drama and high-school attitudes in my life. I'm enjoying my children so much more, enjoying studying for my Pilates certification and baking and even cleaning more. It is good, God is good.

I spent some time thinking about why I "needed" a paying job so badly. This is the first time since I was sixteen that I haven't worked, save the 8 weeks after the Firecracker Princess was born. Then it (He?) came to me: I have never been comfortable needing anyone else to provide for me. God is showing me that I have to learn to abide in Him, to allow Him and the Music Man to be my source(s) and rest knowing that I'm not in control. This is hard. I freak out and look for jobs, willing to sacrifice my rest and time with my family to make more money, when we're acutally just fine without it. Again, God is good.

All the time.