Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A Weighty Issue

As in, mine. The scale hasn't moved, I'm still at 136ish. Again, that's higher than the recommended weight range for my height, and I feel the need to drop at least 10 lbs, preferably 15 to 20. But what I hadn't counted on was this size thing.

A couple of months ago, I bought some pants in a size 6 at my favorite thrift store (2 pair, one each from the Gap and Bass). I try them on about once a week to keep myself accountable. Today, the Bass pants fit fine, comfortably even. The Gap ones button and zip, no muffin top, but I'd like to drop another 4 lbs or so before they're truly comfortable.

And I am astounded. My weight hasn't changed, but I have gotten smaller. And I still feel like the fat girl. Four people have commented on my figure since Sunday, all of them saying I look good, and I can't so much believe them. My friend/instructor Pam asked if I was a size 2 yet. Not hardly, but she's a kindly soul, that one.

But again, I still don't feel different. Still don't feel like I belong at the gym. Still think people look at me when I eat a treat food in public.

For anyone who has lost a relatively large amount of weight, when does that change occur? When does your mind come around and realize that you're not the same size you were, and that maybe when men look at you, it's not in disgust? Sigh. I'll get there.

I'll get there.

1 comment:

kimberly said...

I was a 'big' girl growing up, mainly because I was a head taller and had b**bs when I was 10. I always dressed big and felt fat my whole life... I then lost a ton of weight, got healthy, and still felt fat.
I don't think I felt like was thin until I got fat again... Now I am just wishing to be back where I used to be....
It just goes so slow...