Thursday, December 4, 2008

Throwing It All Away

I know I haven't talked much here about my eating disorder days. Partly because it was so long ago, and partly because it's something that so many people have written about so much more eloquently than I ever could. But something is shifting is me, the pieces are clicking back into an old puzzle, an ugly, dark, familiar and comfortable matrix.

Wednesday night I had Elijah House, the topic was burden bearing. I wasn't sure I was a burden bearer, but I would be according to their standards. I was running late since it takes over an hour to get to church in traffic. I stopped by McD's. Sad I know, but it's on the same side of the street at church and it's easy enough to get in and out, takes less than five minutes. Anyhow, so after I ate that "food" I really felt like I wanted to throw it up. Like really, get out of my seat, go to the bathroom and purge.

I haven't felt that way in years. In fact, I'm not sure I ever actually longed for it, just felt resigned to do it.

I never considered myself to be a particularly emotional eater, but now that I'm moderately healthy, I'm noticing that pattern. It's been six and a half years since my last actual relapse (since right before I got married). I think back on the physical pain (can we say swollen glands and bad skin), the mental drama, the isolation and constant justification, and wonder why I'd ever want to go back there. I don't have a good answer for that, but I don't know that I'd survive it if I went back there again.

Things are heavy right now. I'm having a hard time holding on to my joy. This doesn't "look" like depression because I'm still slapping makeup on my mug and going to the gym, but I'm a straight up mess inside.

But on the other side, my youngest started to cruise. Sweet thing. Her middle name is Jubilee, and she is such a joy. Amazing.


Jennifer H said...

You can call me anytime. I will be praying for you. I admire you for not only going through what you are but putting it out there for people to read. I just like to "hide" my stuff away so no one will know...ha.

heather said...

Until it comes out in group b/c it's been pent up so long, ha!

diana said...

don't go back!

i know you don't know me and my words probably have no meaning to you, but going back will achieve nothing for you. look to the future. find the joy (sounds like you have some). do things that are good for you.

i hope you find this as encouragement and not preaching.

Michelle@Life with Three said...

I've walked that eating disorder path. It's torturous. And every now and then, I still struggle like you. But, I've come to realize that when those thoughts come flooding back -- when those urges come up to the surface -- it's usually because I'm desperately trying to gain control over something (usually my life!). And control -- well, that's God's territory. Try as I might, I'll never gain control. It helps for me to recognize that -- then I refocus, hand the steering wheel back to God, and send those lies right back to the pit of you-know-where. I'm praying for you! :)