Thursday, December 4, 2008

So Far Behind

It is said that God will only allow stuff to bubble to the surface in His own time, and for that I am grateful. So you know that I'm dealing with the whole abortion thing, thanks in part to the conversation I had with Newish Friend.

Yesterday I re-read Tilly, and realized some things that I never considered before.

First, I never even considered that we could have cared for that baby. It literally never crossed my mind. Second, I had never asked the Music Man's forgiveness for what I had done. Last night, we talked and I asked his forgiveness, and he asked mine for being complicit in it (ie. agreeing, paying, etc.).

But there is deeper shame than just the act (not that it wasn't bad enough). First, we went RIGHT back to the behavior that got us into the situation in the first place. Like the next day. Sigh. Can we say infection? Idiocy? Took me a while to realize that I was really just looking for a connection and sought it in the only way I knew.

Then (sigh, this one's hard), when I figured out that we were expecting the Firecracker Princess, MM suggested that if I didn't want to deal with pregnancy, we could abort her, too. Looking at my daughter's face, I can't imagine life without her. More than aborting my son, whom I do not yet know, considering aborting the wonderful child I see every day breaks my heart. I hope she never knows, that there's never an occasion to tell her that it was an idea, however fleeting.

Now, I must say that the consideration lasted less then ten minutes. I was telling my friend Nikia about it, and she said, "That's just selfish, it's ridiculous to consider it". And she was right. I went back to the MM and said that we were married, we owned a home, and although we were young, I'd be 25 and he 27 by the time she came. There was no real reason not to have her. I'm so glad I did.

I also realized that the abortion was the start of our most serious problems. I stopped trusting him then, because he showed me that he wouldn't stand up for our family, wouldn't protect me and our children. It also opened the door for some other unholy things to enter his life, which I haven't asked permission to share.

So today, I am thankful for confession and reconciliation. I am thankful that, for the first time in our marriage, we can find holy ground.


Brenna Kater, the Oceanskater said...

Reading your sharing always brings tears to my eyes. Abortion has touched me in very personal ways. Though I have not had an abortion, I could easily have if my promiscuity had been directed toward men. And others very close to me did have abortions, which directly effected many areas of my life.

I too look at my wonderful son & can't imagine life without him.

Beth said...

So, Tilly... Had not heard of this novel, but I love Frank Peretti and am pleased to say I have placed this item on hold for myself at the local library.

Heather, I'm proud of your openness and honesty in the last few days. Aslan's "on the move" for sure in your life right now. Your blog reminded me that oftentimes, the person we have the hardest time forgiving is ourself. It's so easy to think up excuse after excuse of why we don't deserve forgiveness... because, after all, we don't deserve it. That's what makes the gift of grace so beautiful. God gives freely even though we have spit in His face.

Keep wrestling with it, but don't expect to find reconciliation within yourself. The simple truth is nothing will ever be able to justify what happened. You know this, but your logical brain seems to be searching for something to grasp onto to make it easier to accept.

But sin isn't supposed to be easy to accept. This experience, as with all other sins, points you undoubtedly toward your need of a Savior.

Only God Himself can restore to you the years which the locusts have eaten. (Joel 2:25)

And RESTORE, He will.

diana said...

i enjoy reading your honest emotions, knowing it must be hard at times to share. you've had some difficult times and overcome so much. i hope blogging helps you work some of that out. and i pray that your posts minister to others out there in blogland.