Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Marvelous Light

Next time my heart bleeds for my kids and I think it's ok to have the CCM sleep with us, remind me that a few minutes later the Firecracker Princess will come in, curious as to why he's no longer screaming. And she will cry and be allowed to come into our bed. Then an hour later, the Look Alike will be ready for her first nursing of the night, and be welcomed into her usual spot. And five people will occupy a king-sized bed, and the adults will not sleep.

I've committed to memorizing scripture, as I've noticed that sometimes a verse will just spring up inside of me lately. My friend Jennifer and I have also decided to get this Bible and read through in a year, as I sooo need that accountability. If you want to join us, let me know!

But somewhere in that non-sleeping time, the Lord revealed some things to me. I keep wondering why I don't feel as bad as I think I ought to about the baby, especially as I've prayed for godly sorrow. I feel like the Lord showed me that he (my son) and I are both His now, and brought to mind 1 Corinthians 15:55: "O Death, where is your victory? O Death, where is your sting?"

And then for the rest of the night I sang "Marvelous Light".

I once was fatherless,
a stranger with no hope;
Your kindness wakened me,
Awakened me, from my sleep

Your love it beckons deeply,
a call to come and die.
By grace now I will come
And take this life, take your life.

Sin has lost it's power,
death has lost it's sting.
From the grave you've risen

Into marvelous light I'm running,
Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross you are the truth,
You are the life, you are the way

My dead heart now is beating,
My deepest stains now clean.
Your breath fills up my lungs.
Now I'm free. now I'm free!

Lift my hands and spin around,
See the light that i have found.
Oh the marvelous light
Marvelous light
Lift my hands and spin
See the light within...

He also showed me that I wouldn't be able to grieve someone's else lost child if the feelings weren't there in me. I get the sense that I'm not ready to deal with their full weight just yet, but get glimpses of them in hearing someone else's story. There's a principle in Elijah House called "ripeness", and while I've moved from hard to softer, I'm still not spotted, 'ya know?

So today I thank the Lord for what He has done. For removing the sting for death, for taking away the power of the grave. For the gift of grace, the depth of which I will never truly know in this life. Humbly, gratefully, prayerfully.

1 comment:

SeeTheBlueSky said...

Your posts have been really deep and I appreciate and have really thought about all that you have said..... also praying for you, too.
On a lighter note... we co-slept until ours were 18 months, at that point they got their own double bed, and then they slept together in it. It freed us big time. Even now, and it will have to stop at some point before puberty sets in, our 10 year old dd and 6 yo son sleep together on most nights.