The secret

Did you ever feel like there was some great secret that everyone around you knew, but that you just missed? People WANT you to know it, some ASSUME you know it, but at the end of the day, you know that you don't know.

That's how I feel about the whole Jesus thing. It took me a long time (and an amazingly intellectual pastor, and lots of hours of conversation) to believe that Jesus is the Son of God. If I'm honest with myself, I still have doubts at times, and doubt is painful. The crossroads of my personality, at the intersection of Must Always Be Right and There May Be Something Better make for quite a few icky accidents. One day I fear this will take me away from God entirely.

I get the Father God thing. I know it's tough for lots of people, but since I never really had a father in my life, it's something I longed for. Curling up in Abba's lap? Not so hard for me. I confess that when I hear His voice, it's through my own filter, which is more harsh and demanding than grace-full at times. A friend of mine once said I'd know God's voice because it would be too gentle to believe. That makes me cry in its stark and utter truth.

Jesus I struggle with. Why? Is it because I can be so demanding and austere? Is it because I have a hard time accepting something free? I must be suspicious. Grace equals "unmerited favor", which I've never experienced from another person. It's totally foreign to me, I always had to "do" to be accepted, and it was usually for a short period of time. Then I'd have to "do" again. I don't know that I actually trust anyone. Sigh.

Yesterday my husband and I had a small argument. I thought about the argument we had before that one, and I realized, I'm VERY invested in not needing him. Not needing anyone, for that matter. And there's the rub. I grew up having to protect myself everywhere. There was no one to protect the little girl that I was, so I adapted. Now that I have a husband who loves me and who desires to protect me, I can't let him.

So what I call independence really isn't. It's self-protection. At the end of the day, it's fear. If I believe God's Word, "perfect love casts out fear", so I'm just not letting Him do his work.