Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I'm Pretty Sure This Isn't What Paul Meant

about "working out your salvation with fear and trembling".

For the last several days, things with my trip to Russia have intensified. As in, I may be asked not to go. It's far too much to get into right now, but I'm recognizing what this is doing to me. My hands tremble thinking about it. My appetite is nil. I'm sleeping 4-5 hours a night at most, and waking in the middle of the night to boot. I know that this is spiritual warfare, but I'm in a situation where people on every side, people who I thought loved and cared for me, are acting like I'm a pariah. And you know, maybe I am and I just can't see it.

I wanted to go to Russia because I felt like God was calling me to it. I still feel that way, even with all of this insanity. I can say that a year ago, I would've just run away. Just recognizing that feels like a big step for me, feels like I'm putting on my "big girl panties" and standing firm.

I dunno, y'all. Right now I'm just waiting for the team leader to decide, I guess. She's so upset about the whole situation that she says now SHE doesn't even know if she's supposed to lead the team. Yeah, it's that serious. So if you're the praying kind, please pray for wisdom for Ransomed Grace (who is leading the team), for clarity for she and I. For a spirit of reconciliation to permeate and be palpable.

I'll keep you updated.

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