Sunday, February 1, 2009

Here I Am

This post might ramble a bit, so bear with me. Yesterday was Elijah House graduation, and as weary and wary as I was about going, it was really kairos. We had some really good prophetic time, but even before that the facilitator spoke something about each of us. I was last, and that sort of stuff always makes me burn with embarrassment. One of the things Jane mentioned is that I was starting to open up and little and allow people in a little, and how I needed to continue to do this and allow my "deep gifts" into the body of Christ. I received it, and a friend of mine said something to the effect that I deserved that (kindly, of course). And I think he was right, I did need to hear it. However. Yeah.

I'll tell people my stuff. It's not a huge deal to me, though I'm relatively private and won't generally just volunteer that information. If you ask me something, I'll tell you, and I'll tell you the level of detail I think you need to know, even if it's the full monty. But I don't tend to develop new relationships readily, or I do and disclose what I think is too much and then pull away. I've always done it, ever since I can remember. And just today, I realized what that's about.

I'm not afraid of intimacy, per se. I'm more afraid of into-me-see. More specifically, I feel like I'll give what I think you need in the relationship and come to a place where I don't have anything left to offer you. Then I get afraid that you'll start peeking around the rooms of my heart and that you'll find, well, nothing. I'm totally afraid that you'll see that there's nothing to me, nothing of value to contribute to our relationship or the world at large. I don' think I HAVE any gifts to offer the body, so I don't try to engage anyone in anything, just as a protection for my own empty coffers.

As I was having this revelation, I heard this song bubble up in my heart:

Unashamed, by Starfield

I have not much
To offer You
Not near what You deserve
But still I come
Because Your cross
Has placed in me my worth

Oh, Christ my King
Of sympathy
Whose wounds secure my peace
Your grace extends
To call me friend
Your mercy sets me free

And I know I'm weak
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your name
But because of grace
Because of Your mercy
I stand here unashamed

I can't explain
This kind of love
I'm humbled and amazed
That You'd come down
From heavens heights
And greet me face to face

Here I am at Your feet
In my brokenness complete

I think I started to quiet myself a couple of years ago. I was always SUCH a chatterbox, would talk your ear off. If I know you well, I still will. If I don't know you well, you probably won't hear me say much at all. I'm ok with that, I'm a take it all in kind of girl these days. Part of that is feeling like people actually KNOW me now, and I don't have to push who I am in your face. Part of it is a balance. It's an Elijah House principle that one person in a relationship typically exhibits opposite traits of the other person, and I notice that even within myself, from years ago on to today.

I'm not sure, but if I had to pick an idol for myself, it would be striving. You wouldn't see it much in terms of outward manifestation, but it's there. I try to remember everything, to get everything right, all hoping for the chance to be loved. By whom, exactly?


If I'm to beat this one, it's going to be alone. People tell me all the time how much they love me, and I just can't receive it (at least most of the time). I am going to spend some time meditating on God's promises and see if I can't make some headway, because this, this isn't much fun.


Anonymous said...

Interesting post. Ironically, I just recently posted a song on my myspace that reminds me of what you are saying... "Broken From the Start" by Jon Foreman (lead singer from Swichfoot). You should go to my myspace and check it out. :)

And if I'm off-base, well, my bad. It's still an awesome song! :)

carolina said...

congratulations on the final step in this part of your journey. i have so enjoyed reading about your growth and volnerability. i hope you will continue to share as you grow in God's plan. you are so strong to allow God to work in you. i can only wish that i could find that kind of strength. as for what you can offer to the body- you offer being the kind of woman, wife, and mother that allows God in even when it hurts. allow yourself to be that.